As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather-not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Montana...at least our cows are sane.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then, things get worse.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I souport publik edekasion.

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.

Three kinds of people-those who can count and those who can't.

Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggy' until you can find a rock.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

I killed a sixpack just to watch it die.

I'm a corporate executive. I keep things from happening.

Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal!

Horn broken. Watch for finger.

I brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Born free...Taxed to death.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

Rehab is for quitters.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

No radio - already stolen.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

IRS: we've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Gambling is a tax on the stupid.

According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

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