Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

Driver carries less than $20 in ammunition

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking

My child beat up your honor student

Kevorkian for Surgeon General

No Grey Poupon

Sorry, I Don't Date Outside My Species

If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now

Born Free...Taxed to Death

You're a pane in my glass

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Stable relationships are for horses.

Organized crime is alive and well. It's called auto insurance.

Dane Quayle Aboarde

Don't Laugh, It's Stolen

Gone Crazy, be back later

My Other Car Has a Radio

Ask Me About Satanism

Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Frogs parking only...all others will be toad.

The gene pool needs some chlorine.

Jesus saves! Passes to Gretzky...he shoots...HE SCORES!!!

Jesus is coming, look busy.

Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control.

We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

Forget world peace. Visualize learning how to DRIVE, dammit!

YES on 344! No mercy for monogamists!

I love cats...they taste just like chicken!

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

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