Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Assassins do it from behind.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

If you are psychic - think "HONK"